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One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.