in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff