Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.