In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
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Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Probably my best painting.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.