In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
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A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans