in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
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I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
🙅🏻
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos