in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
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*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
August 8
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
british sex workers really pound for pound
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”