In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
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*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Very problematic
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”