In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
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The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Alexa: *deep breath*
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.