In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
You Might Also Like
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.