In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
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“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Rude much 😂😂😂
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.