In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
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[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.