Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

I like crazy people until they notice me

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

“OMGJK” -atheists

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot