In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
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Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.