In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
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I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.