In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
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No, YOUR illiterate.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Guys, I found it.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks