In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
This is so me 😂😂
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My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.