In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
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“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
A short story of betrayal:
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.