Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

Okay, I’m still confused…

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

Y’all ready for this

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

opening a flower shop called women in stem

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

Customize Your Wedding.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”