In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
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[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol