In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
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I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”