In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
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Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.