In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
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guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
If you breakdance you buy dance.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.