Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*