Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

excuse me

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.