In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”