In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*feels the wind in my toe hair
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
🤣😂
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.