Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.