In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
who wore it better?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive