In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”