In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
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Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
When can I start eating bats again.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.