In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
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Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.