Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

Worst bar ever.

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.