Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.