In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
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Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
#NoRestForTheWicked
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”