In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
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I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
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Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on