Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

I’m literally crying

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!

My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”