Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

“Worm Regards”

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

#dnd #ttrpg

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!

*turns my chair to get a better view

Me: Carry on.