Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

Wise advice

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us