*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
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Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
fourth time’s the charm
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.