[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
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My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.