Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

Talk about a bad egg

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

english majors be like furthermore

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

I love you to the refrigerator and back