*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
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every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Honey I made you some hotdog water
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said