Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*

My husband: why are you taking notes

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.