Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH