Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

me logging onto twitter

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

rip to my favourite tweet