Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

Velcrow

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.