{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
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Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
