{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
You Might Also Like
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Me, in DM rooms…
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore