[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
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a New Yorker reject, for you
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
“Worm Regards”
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?