[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

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a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you’re supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot


Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school


[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please


I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it


Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?


Having my oil changed today, but I need proof it’s really changed. I’ve been hurt by oils before & I’m not going through that again.


[wife checking on me and the kids]
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?


I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.