[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
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I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
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me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Kermit goes Blue.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.