In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test