In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣