Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls