In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Happy birthday to all the women
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.