Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?