in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
