in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
