in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
