Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

Easy enough.

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.