@Rlpihl

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

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@bridger_w

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

@sixfootcandy

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

@Home_Halfway

[Running into a friend]

FRIEND: Hey it’s good to see you! We should get together soon!

ME: Totally!

FRIEND: How about Friday?

ME: Yeah let’s do it soon

FRIEND: Right, like Friday?

ME: Take care!

FRIEND: So, Friday?

ME: *grabs their collar* Stop trying to make this happen

@JohnLyonTweets

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

@internetluke

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

@CeruleanGates

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

@david8hughes

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

@leshnevsky

If I stabbed someone with icicle, no one would find the murder weapon, because it melts. This thought is haunting me.

@o__0Dev

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?