in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

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Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed


Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.


[Running into a friend]

FRIEND: Hey it’s good to see you! We should get together soon!

ME: Totally!

FRIEND: How about Friday?

ME: Yeah let’s do it soon

FRIEND: Right, like Friday?

ME: Take care!

FRIEND: So, Friday?

ME: *grabs their collar* Stop trying to make this happen


Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.


My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.


The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?


I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account


If I stabbed someone with icicle, no one would find the murder weapon, because it melts. This thought is haunting me.


Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?