In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
