Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*