Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.