*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
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My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
this has to be peak English
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.