Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

5 ways to appear taller

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.