Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/749269854667046912/pu/vid/480x480/x4pB7atTItEwLxWy.mp4

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

the three genders

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.