*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
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FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
they really wanted me dead for this
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Harsh but fair
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.