Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

This bar smells like my childhood.

@funTweeters

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are