*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.